045: Reinvention After Major Head Injury with Kathleen Klawitter

[INTRODUCTION]

Arwen Becker: Well, hello, everyone, I was thinking as I was preparing for this show about reprogramming your mind and reinvention. And I think back to being five years old. And there was one thing that I wanted to do, and it was the only thing I wanted to do, and that was work with animals. And I talk quite a bit about this process in Episode 6, where I think it's titled Cougar Attack and Getting Fired Were a Gift, but at the time, I guarantee you they were not gifts, but eventually they were.

And the reason was, I wanted to do this one thing my whole life, work with animals, and it stayed very consistent, but it changed a little bit over time. I thought I wanted to be a dolphin trainer, but once I got to junior high, I was like, oh, I think that's pretty unethical, keeping these big animals in small tanks, but I wanted to work with animals. So, that changed to me thinking, well, maybe I'll be a marine mammalogist and I'll just study these big animals out in the wild.

So, eventually, that led me to getting a Bachelor of Science in Zoology at the University of Washington. And I found myself working in wildlife rehabilitation. And I loved this job. I was excited to get up at 6:00 in the morning. I had a 42-mile drive, which took me almost an hour to get there. And I could work 10 to 12 hours and be just as happy by the time I got home. So, when I got fired from that job, the only job I've ever been fired from, I really had no idea how much of a tailspin that would put me in. And that kind of was the start to the end of my first marriage. So, here I was needing to go get a job and I had to make more money that I could make as my stipend that I had working in wildlife. And so, I ended up landing this job at a retirement planning firm.

And here I am, 21 years later, at the same retirement planning firm, doing a job that I am so passionate about but has nothing to do with the degree and really, the first two decades of my life. And yet, I was thinking about that whole piece of reinvention and these things that happen that at the moment, they seem like they are going to be so devastating. Yet, we find that when we surrender to it and we realize there might actually be some benefit to this, we get to the other side of it and we realize there's a lot of beauty and power in that.

And today's guest knows this all too well. Kathleen Klawitter is the author of Direct Hit. It's a memoir about her 20-year survivor’s journey after she sustained a traumatic brain injury from a wayward golf ball when she was an LPGA golf instructor. While relearning how to speak, read, write, and drive again, she used her own body, mind, and spirit modalities to reprogram her brain and reinvent herself to her true normal, as she calls it.

Now, a resilience expert and visionary coach, Kathleen teaches her trademark High Five System and other innovative strategies to help people access their inner wisdom and guidance tap into their feminine side and balance their left and right brains to improve their personal performance at home and at work, trained in Margot Anand’s SkyDancing Tantra and other techniques, I'll let her expand on. She's also a Certified First-Degree Black Belt in Blue Dragon Tae Kwon Do. She's affiliated with Toastmasters International and National Speakers Association, Ladies Professional Golf Association, USA Archery, and Jodi’s House, a center for brain injury survivors. She's been featured in Speaker magazine.

[INTERVIEW]

Arwen Becker: Kathleen, welcome to the show. So happy to have you.

Kathleen Klawitter: Thank you, Arwen. It is a pleasure to be here. And you, I must say, are very resilient yourself, very vibrant. It's good to be with you.

Arwen Becker: Yeah, well, I think that's why when you and I first met over a Zoom call with 40 other people, I'm like, I think, I need to know that woman. I think I need to know her. Even from Zoom, you can just tell the people you're going– there's something there. I certainly wanted to be able to have a little bit more dialog with you. So, I'm so glad that you accepted my offer to come in and talk on the show today. So, before we launch into your past and kind of where that's led you to today, why don't you tell us what song you brought to add to our overcomer playlist? And why did you choose it?

Kathleen Klawitter: I chose Whitney Houston's One Moment in Time. And if you ever heard the version from the Olympics, I think it was in 1980’s, sometime in 1980. Don't knock your socks off. It just moves me to the core and sometimes even in tears. Like, yes. Joyful tears, I shall say.

Arwen Becker: Beautiful, just beautiful. And that voice, oh, how I miss her voice.

Kathleen Klawitter: Oh, yes.

Arwen Becker: It was just stunning, just a stunning singer. Well, thank you for that. I'm going to have to look up that specific version on YouTube, and we'll definitely have that in our show notes as well. So, I am looking forward to hearing more about your personal journey and certainly, what you wrote about in your book. So, why don't you take us all back to the day of your injury?

Kathleen Klawitter: Yes. Well, I'm going to take you back about 20 years, Arwen. And it was in 1998, it was a beautiful summer day. And the air was filled with freshly cut grass. And I was getting ready to facilitate a women's golf league. And I was merely coming from the parking lot from my car. I was walking towards the golf shop, and on the right-hand side was the putting green and a lot of the ladies were out there putting, and I was going to yell, “Hello,” but I decided not to disturb their concentration. And plus, I knew that I was going to be seeing them in just a few minutes out on the links.

And so, I continued down the cart path, and then I pulled out a scorecard and I started writing some names down. And then, suddenly, something struck me in the head, and it felt like a railroad tie had driven straight through my skull and out my left eye socket. And the pain was so excruciating, it felt like a bowling ball had landed on my head and shimmied through my whole body. And it was, in fact, an errant speeding golf ball. Well, the green grass and the asphalt were spinning like a plate atop a long thin stick, knowing that it would fall just a matter of time. Knowing I would fall was just a matter of time. Well, darkness consumed me and I crumpled to the ground. And I lay motionless, glassy eyed, and drooling.

And in that instant, everything that I had worked for, the cutting edge, pioneering golf job that I had was gone, my life as they knew it was shattered. And I went from an independent woman to a dependent woman at that moment. And I heard sirens, I heard muffled voices, but I couldn't speak. And I ended up in the hospital. And that's the story of that fateful day. And afterwards, I started to really show some bizarre behavior, I mean, Kathleen wasn't herself. I was confused, I was dizzy. I had some cognitive issues that really prevented me from getting out sentences and phrases. I started double booking. The athlete in me was like, you can keep going.

Arwen Becker: Just play hurt.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yeah, right. You just push through. That was my survival instinct. Of course, I didn't see on the outside what I really looked like and what was happening. And finally, a friend grabbed me and said, “Look, you need help.” And she took me to Santa Barbara, California, where I met with a brilliant neuropsychologist, and she took extensive evaluations and testing, which took about three or four months just because that was so difficult in itself.

Arwen Becker: And how old were you when the injury happened?

Kathleen Klawitter: I believe I was 39.

Arwen Becker: Okay, and how long were you actually in the hospital?

Kathleen Klawitter: It was only a couple of days because somehow, I managed to even be in a state of, I don't want to say euphoria, but I really didn't know what I was doing because I hurt somebody. Apparently, I convinced them that I could go home.

Arwen Becker: Wow.

Kathleen Klawitter: And I ended up back at my home and then laid there. And then that's what…

Arwen Becker: Do you have a lot of memories of being in the hospital?

Kathleen Klawitter: No. It wasn't until afterwards where I– and any head-injured person probably knows this or somebody who lives with a head-injured person that the house is filled with little pieces of paper or bags that you write down everything because you want to remember, you don't want to lose anything. There was that writing down and keeping copious notes and sticky notes everywhere. I mean, I could have warned them to help me to try to remember, but it was a good thing that I did document some things because that eventually was used towards the book.

Arwen Becker: Yeah. And so how long was it from the hospital time to when your girlfriend said there's something that's not okay, you need to go down to, you said, Santa Barbara?

Kathleen Klawitter: Yeah, it was less than a week.

Arwen Becker: Oh, okay. Real early on.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yeah, it was less than a week. I was too fresh and like I said, I was just really doing some bizarre behavior. I mean, even walking outside in my pajamas in the middle of the night, just being disoriented and confused and so…

Arwen Becker: Wow. So, you moved down– did you move down there?

Kathleen Klawitter: Friends, actually, I had a really good group of friends up in Northern California at the time, and two of them got in the car, drove me down. A couple of others went ahead and packed up all my belongings from my apartment. They put it all in a storage shed. And that was it. I had nothing. I ended up, like I said, down in Santa Barbara.

Arwen Becker: And then, where did things go from there? So, you started all this testing, and then what was the next phase?

Kathleen Klawitter: Well, the rehabilitation process, which was just as intense, and it lasted for many years. I had a speech therapist, a cognitive therapist, a vision therapist, a physical therapist because the hit was so impactful that it crunched the vertebrae in my neck. And I had to have surgery because my left arm was weak and there was no range of motion, but after that surgery, then I had physical therapy. And I have to say, I have about 99.9% of that back. Then, I had, of course, an occupational therapist who then was able to bring me back out into a smaller version of the world, so.

Arwen Becker: Did you think pretty early on that this was going to be your life, that you weren't going to be able to get back to a place where you felt like you? Or do you ever feel like you really got back to who you were? Or did you become just a new version of you?

Kathleen Klawitter: Well, that's a really, really interesting question and a very good question, because it has some depth to it, because in the beginning, I wasn't aware of being aware. I was in this deep, dark tunnel. And sometimes, I describe it as being, I don't know if you know, the great Houdini when he did that magic trick where he was in the water chamber hanging upside down, and there's this echo feeling, like this kind of you're in a vase.

Arwen Becker: A vault.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yeah. And the pressure was so intense that everything seemed far away, if you can imagine that kind of cylinder and that kind of pain. Then words would come in, but it was like, wah-wah, like Charlie Brown kind of feeling. Now, there was a second point to that question, and I'm trying to remember.

Arwen Becker: Did you ever feel that you would become back to who you were? Or did you now have to create a new you?

Kathleen Klawitter: Okay, good. So, the first part was, for the first year or two was this unaware, just moving through the process of the therapies. After that, then I came to a place with my neuropsychologist where I was realizing what I had lost. And so, I did have to go through the stages of loss and sadness and grief. And the way I did that was through– I have this breath movement and sound, and I started to draw on the modalities that I taught back as an LPGA golf professional. I would do breathing exercises, I would commune with nature, I would do anything to help gain and remember who I was, but the fact is, I was not able to go back to golf and especially two years out.

And my neuropsychologist said, “Look, Kathleen, we'll get there. You'll get there, but why don't we first start with setting your alarm?” So, I would set my alarm, and then I would learn how to redress myself. And even choosing what to wear was very difficult. I would get confused and disoriented. And so, I generally ended up just wearing the same rust-colored pants and blue sweatshirt.

Arwen Becker: You had your uniform.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yeah, right. But eventually, I had to let go of and forgive what happened and move into a place of, well, what else could I do? And Dr. Cheryl Smith was my neuropsychologist, and she said, “What else would you like to do?” And I said, “Archery is really of interest to me,” because when I was circling with women, I really aspired to the goddess Artemis, and she's the archer. She's the protectress of the forest. She is a woman whole unto herself. She is courageous and strong. And I really relied on her. And so, I was like, “Archery, yes,” because it's one stance, one bow, one arrow, one target, one great result.

Arwen Becker: Right, sure.

Kathleen Klawitter: In golf, 14 different clubs, one swing, maybe, on any given day, it could be different, depending on your ailment. Whether the people you're working with, I mean, the variables were far and few too many. And so, archery became my sport, but it took a long time, though, to get to that point. I really had to go, like vision therapy, especially. I mean, I had to learn the simple things again, like going to the grocery store.

Arwen Becker: Did you learn feeding yourself and things of that nature, and getting dressed?

Kathleen Klawitter: I was able to feed myself.

Arwen Becker: Okay.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yeah, I was able to feed myself, but oh, gosh, not healthy choices. I think I had the phone number to the pizza company’s number memorized. It's one thing that I overlearned.

Arwen Becker: You're on a first-name basis with the pizza guy when he drops them off. He's like, really, again? I just was here for lunchtime. Come on, lady.

Kathleen Klawitter: You got that right, but the thing is– the good news is, because I couldn't drive, I lived up in a trailer up in the foothills of Santa Barbara and I would walk down to the Mission, which was a lovely walk, and I would catch the bus down at the Mission. And then I would take the bus all the way downtown to my apartment. And I got to take a little trolley and it really was a good practice in routing and napping and organizing, because the frontal lobe was the hardest hit of this. And that's your executive functioning, organization, sequencing.

Arwen Becker: I don't know, maybe this is the wrong question to ask, but I'm curious, was it ever identified who had done it? Did anybody ever know that they had a rough ball?

Kathleen Klawitter: Oh, yes.

Arwen Becker: Oh, you did.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yeah. It's so interesting how sometimes you're divinely protected, because that day, that fateful day, there were four of my women players from another golf league that I had, which was more of an intermediate group. They were playing right behind this group, and they had unfortunately been drinking. They put a new take on drinking and driving. And one was a defense lawyer, one was an insurance adjuster. So, they were talking, and this fellow, though, he really was on the nineteenth. He tried to drive the green, get up there and I'm going to drive the green. And he was so dangerously off. I mean, he had to be at least a hundred yards off to the left and he flew the trees, the ball flew to the clubhouse, and it landed straight on my head. And then, for me, that was it. So, yes, he did come forth, he did apologize. And he still had to go through.

Arwen Becker: Yeah. That had to have been really devastating to realize that that choice ended up being a life-altering moment for you. I think a lot of us don't think through things like that, and we don't imagine, what are the chances? I mean, of course, a little teeny golf ball, but it happens. And I just imagine that that was a really tough weight to have to carry for him, to hurt somebody not intentionally, but so significantly.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yes.

Arwen Becker: So, did you have family? Or is it just friends that you were really relying on during this time? Because it sounds like you weren't able to work, right?

Kathleen Klawitter: Not at all. And I do have family. I lived in California, my family lived in Indiana, but they didn't find out, I think, until two weeks later. And, of course, my sister was livid. And then, immediately, she was there in New York minute, but, yeah, I had excellent family support from both my mother and my father. And he would even come to visit me. There was a golf classic fundraiser for me at Jodi House. It's called the Klawitter Golf Classic. And both my brother and my sister came out and played golf that day. So, it was kind of a fun rendezvous for all of us to be out on the putting green together. I putted a little bit, but then they all went out and played golf, and I curled up on a couch inside the locker room.

Yes, I had a really good family support. And then, the links that I had, I had a database at that time, it was all handwritten. That was when we really weren't using computers that much. We were sending out mailers. So, I had probably over 500 members, and we had a couple of really close-knit groups of leagues that I had developed, one of a kind leagues for beginners. I mean, this was really– it was a lot of fun, it was fulfilling. And so, they had also stepped forth in helping to get lawyers and helping to make sure that I had food and making sure that– they even had a fundraiser to help give me money because I immediately went on disability, but actually, I was fairly destitute, but I think it was about eight or nine months later when I started receiving my first disability check, but they also sold my car at the time because I couldn't drive. They sold my bicycle, I was a cyclist, my Italian bike and my Italian cleats which I used to love to do, which I do not do anymore.

Arwen Becker: Yeah. You know, I have to pull out something that I can sense because the fact that you had so many people rally around you is a testament to the way in which you lived your life leading up to your injury. People, they get injured all the time, but when you feel compelled to really step forth and help somebody, it's because you impacted their lives, and that you lived your life in a way where many people really felt, called to step up and help you and support you during that process. And I think that's just an important piece to pull out and that we live our lives to impact other people. And we never know at what point we are going to have to draw off of the help and support of those around us.

And I'm a perfect example of somebody for so many years thought I was kind of this island unto myself and I could do it and I didn't need any help and I wouldn't even ask for help pulling full 50-pound luggage upstairs because I could prove that I could do it and though I have a perfectly capable 15-year old boy to do it, but just realizing that if we spend our lives investing in the people around us a moment like this, that really can be absolutely devastating for people, especially if they don't have the support. That's where people get to step up and be that lifeline for a while. And it sounds like you really had lived a life that impacted a lot of people that way.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yes. Well, I live from my heart and I'm very humble and very authentic. And I appreciate life. I appreciated life before the accident, when I was born, I came out, and I was just like, here I am. This is so beautiful. I would watch the grass grow and I would splash in the water and just thought life was a wonderment. And I love people. And people are so unique in their own way. And we just take time to pause and deepen in and lean into the person that we're talking with. And actually, really, listening, I mean, we do have two ears and only one mouth. So, as we really listen, we can really find out a little bit more about each other and realize that we are more together than we are separate.

Arwen Becker: Yeah, agreed. And at what point, how many years in, where you finally were at this, I think you called it your true you, is it true…

Kathleen Klawitter: True normal.

Arwen Becker: Yeah, your true normal. So, how long did it take until you got to that point?

Kathleen Klawitter: Oh, how shall I say this? I believe that I have really been living my true normal for most of my life, because the true normal is really about that true self, it's that inner self. I really started to talk more about it later on in life, and especially, in recent times, because of COVID, because everybody keeps talking about, well, this new normal. And I'm here to say, there's something even bigger than a new normal. There's something even bigger than this evil disease called COVID. There's a new normal and being guided by your own inner guidance and the intangible force of this magnificent [inaudible], let's tap into that. Let's get on the brain train. Let's move forward in a positive way and utilize each moment.

Arwen Becker: Are you more positive than you were before this happened? Is that possible?

Kathleen Klawitter: Well, I will say this, I know that I'm even more appreciative of waking up to the morning and realizing, it's like, oh, I get to live another day. What am I going to do with this day? What am I going to do with this day? I get to choose. It only takes a willingness. I get to choose, and granted, we may be in situations that we may not want to be in, but embracing the dark shadow of us or the darkness of what is happening, you realize that it can be flipped and it becomes your ally. And now, you have an opportunity.

I mean, look at where I've come from, this deep, dark hole. And now, I feel like the lotus flower that has grown in the mud and the muckier the mud, the more that this flower comes out and shows all its petals, it’s like blossoming out. And it's also grounding, if you can't relate to the lotus flower, it's grounding like a tree. The more you root deeply and ground yourself and stay present with yourself and find that inner strength, the more that you can acquiesce and flow like the branches and leaves of a tree. And before you know it, when you're watching them, they start to applaud your very existence.

Arwen Becker: So beautiful, so beautiful, but a gorgeous word picture. I just love that. It just is beautiful. So, when you look back at this experience, what would you say are the three key things that you really took away from this?

Kathleen Klawitter: Number one would be the inner guidance, because when your core communication center is taken out, then you don't have the figuring out capability, right? And so many people right now are in that analytical left kind of brain. And so, moving into more of that right brain and allowing your intuition to take over, I would say that's number one. And that's– what did I just say? What was the…

Arwen Becker: I love the…

Kathleen Klawitter: Here we go.

Arwen Becker: Sorry, the brain just isn't connected for a moment.

Kathleen Klawitter: Come back. It gets on a Ferris wheel, then it's like, wait, wait. Oh, come back. And then it’s a double Ferris wheel, so that it goes this way and I'm like, come on.

Arwen Becker: Oh, I love your transparency. It's just, like you said, transparency, authenticity, I love that about you. So, you had given us the first thing that you really took away from that experience.

Kathleen Klawitter: Inner guidance.

Arwen Becker: Yeah, inner guidance. So, what were the other two things that really…

Kathleen Klawitter: Okay, so the second would be then that leads into is, I would say, staying focused then on exactly what you desire. So, once this comes flashing through, it's like, oh, this is something I could never have imagined. I want to just focus on this, stay focused on what you desire. I mean, there's so many distractions in the world right now. I mean, ding, answer your phone. Ding, answer your phone. Ding, answer your phone, text, text. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if people were like this right now. So, stay focused on exactly what you desire because you'll feel more fulfillment and you'll get to where you want to go quicker.

And then, the third thing I would say is, believe in yourself more than anything in the world. If I listen to all of the experts and the voices of authority, whether they were the authority voice in my mind or coming from somewhere else, outer directed, I probably would be wearing a colostomy bag today and walking around like I was more diseased than I really am, I mean, it's just or really was so, so believing in yourself more than anything in the world and not to believe in appearances.

Arwen Becker: And you said it earlier, trusting your intuition, because all the experts in the world, they don't know what's going on inside of you, they're just taking in a bunch of data and experience, and then they're coming out with an outcome, but I think that trusting that intuition is really important component that you mentioned earlier, too, so.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yes. Well said, Arwen, yeah.

Arwen Becker: Yeah. So, here we are, the last three rapid fire questions. I'll give them to you one at a time.

Kathleen Klawitter: Okay, fine.

Arwen Becker: Alright. So, the best piece of financial wisdom that you've been given.

Kathleen Klawitter: I would say, don't spend any more than what you make.

Arwen Becker: I'd say that's the most common piece of advice that I hear from women.

Kathleen Klawitter: But I have to say, I don't know what the next question is, but my grandmother is the one who really influenced me on this, Clara-Elsie May. And she was given an allowance by my grandfather. And she had these little white envelopes and she would put different cash in the envelopes for the rent, for the groceries, for entertainment. And then, she had a jar full of coins. Everything was allotted for the month. And the jar full of coins was for her trip to Las Vegas so she could play the slots.

Arwen Becker: I love it.

Kathleen Klawitter: I love the simplicity of that.

Arwen Becker: That is true.

Kathleen Klawitter: You know, with the cards, sometimes it gets too easy to spend, but if you already know the cash in hand, this is it for this month.

Arwen Becker: Yep. Absolutely. Beautiful piece of advice. Okay, so favorite book and why? So, why don't you tell us a little bit about your book and where we can get it? And then, I know you also had another book that you wanted to mention as well.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yes, I love Direct Hit because, number one, it took over 20 years to write. And it is a testament to perseverance and passion. And there's so many beautiful little vignettes and morals and dark places and how I got out of them and so many different strategies. I've heard that it's a really easy read. I've never been able to read it from cover to cover because I can't see the bigger picture, but chapter by chapter, I do know. So, that would be a definite must read.

And then, the other one I recommend is Margot Anand’s The Art of Everyday Ecstasy. And I took over 15 years of SkyDancing Tantra with Margot Anand, advanced courses in France. And this is where I really learned some breath movement and sound exercises and really learned about the chakras and the energy centers within you and how to really stay connected and how to also just move through life a little bit easier with these kinds of techniques. So, I would definitely recommend that. And it helps to bring the joy back into your life.

Arwen Becker: Perfect, love it. And then, finally, a favorite quote, and you can read it.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yes, well, this one is from Napoleon Hill. He wrote, Think and Grow Rich, which I absolutely love. It says, “You either control your mind or it controls you. There is no halfway compromise.”

Arwen Becker: Oh, that's good. Can you read it again? You still have it up? Or you just lost it?

Kathleen Klawitter: You think I have it memorized by now, but like I said, I have to overlearn. Here we go. You either control your mind or it controls you. There is no halfway compromise.

Arwen Becker: Yeah. True statement. So true. Well, you have been such a joy to me and as I said, when I first met you over Zoom, I'm like, that woman up there in the little corner frame with the other 35 people in there, I think I need to know her. And you are exactly who you come across to be. You are a woman who is joy filled, that is exuberant, that is powerful, but still with this feminine quality. And yet, knowing your athletics and your background, history and everything, it's just such a beautiful mash-up. And I'm just so grateful that you've shared it with us today and that I can call your friend. And I'm looking forward to a signed copy of your book.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yes, absolutely. I had to order some. They ran out at the local bookstore. So, that's definitely on the way.

Arwen Becker: Excellent.

Kathleen Klawitter: But thank you. This has been delightful. You are fun to talk with. You're also exuberant and you also have told the– how should I say? The line. So, you know what it is to come through a hardship and still, even to this day, how we still manage to come through and live life fully.

Arwen Becker: Yeah, certainly.

Kathleen Klawitter: So, thank you.

Arwen Becker: Yeah, you're welcome. And how can our listeners get a hold of you, by the way? Where can we find your book? Any other things that you want to make sure that we know about?

Kathleen Klawitter: Yes. You can visit my website, and that's KathleenKlawitter.com, and that's K-A-T-H, L as in lion, E-E-N, K-L-A-W-I-T-T-E-R dotcom. And on there, you'll find, there's a bonus PDF 6 Ways to Kick-Start Your Brain, and there's also some good articles that might uplift you.

Arwen Becker: And is that where we can get a hold of your book as well?

Kathleen Klawitter: You can order the book on Amazon.

Arwen Becker: Perfect.

Kathleen Klawitter: Or Barnes & Noble.

Arwen Becker: Excellent. So, we'll have all of that in the show notes and a link to your website and all that good stuff, so. Well, thank you so much, my dear. Sincerely appreciate it. And I'm looking forward to one of these days standing face to face and giving you a big hug.

Kathleen Klawitter: Yes, I look forward to that day, too. My pleasure.

Arwen Becker: Alright. Thank you.

[END]