044: From Victim to Victorious with Jessica Conness (Repost)

[INTRODUCTION]

When I approached him about the rent being behind three months and knowing that we could potentially get kicked out of our home, he lost it on me. So, he picked me up and he threw me on the dining room table which shattered into pieces.

[INTERVIEW]

Arwen Becker: So, I promised all of you listeners from the beginning of this podcast that this was not going to be a superficial conversation. So, I am going to break this down very quickly. If you have not met Jessica Conness, or you've never seen her on social media, let me just tell you, she's absolutely stunning. This woman, the first time I saw her, I was like, “Oh, my dear God, she has everything together. She's got a beautiful figure, beautiful face. It just all seems to be working together.”

And the reason that she and I actually came to know one another is her husband, Grant, is in the same line of work that both Randy and I are in. He's in retirement planning. They just happen to do it down in the Florida area. And we occasionally, maybe once or twice a year, might get to travel to some of these great beautiful destinations because we're affiliated with the same company in Kansas.

And so, I have to admit, she has this whole personality and this beautiful outer look that I actually found pretty intimidating. And I, truthfully, allowed my preconceived judgments and ideas that I had of her get in the way of me actually getting to know her. And the first number of times that we were on these trips together, I think back and I recognize that I allowed my own personal insecurities that I had about myself, color my view of her and make me believe that I knew what kind of person she was just by this exterior view that I saw.

Yet through some of our last few trips that we've taken together, I've gotten to know that she's actually this really vibrant personality, somebody who's very self-confident that truthfully, really doesn't care too much about what you think of her, which she said out of her own mouth. I just heard it on Instagram a couple days ago, which of course, to me is such a departure because I care too much oftentimes about what other people think of me. So, I admire that in her.

But yet she loves her kids. She loves her husband, and she brings this life and this laughter to everybody around her. And that is just something that I really, really love about how richly she lives her life. And it's not rich in this financial sense, but it's in the way that she lives her day-to-day life and she doesn't take it too seriously. And she makes it all about family. And I'm telling you, if you have not seen her on social media, some of the videos that she posted during quarantine were so damn funny. I'm telling you, you absolutely have to watch some of them.

So, Jessica Conness, she was born and raised in South Florida. She now lives in East Fort Lauderdale. She's a mother of four, Kirra, Cody, Kylie and Kinley and she has been happily married to her husband, Grant, for over 15 years. She enjoys, of course, spending time with her family as I said, but boating and traveling, and just really living her life to the fullest.

And when she's not hanging out with her kids or her family, she spends time working on her interior design business, which organically kind of fell into her lap a couple of years ago. And she is so good at it. And she's been experiencing a bunch of success in it today. And she has a very robust social media presence. And as I said, she brings humor and light to all that she does. And Jessica, I'm so excited that you join me on the show today.

Jessica Conness: Thank you. And thank you for having me.

Arwen Becker: Well, it's my joy. You know, I think back to the time that you and I and our husbands were in Milan. It was about a year and a half ago. And we just happen to be getting into the same cab leaving this nightclub. And we got into this cab and you said, “Oh my gosh, we are absolutely going to make a stop.” And it was non-negotiable. You already told the cab driver where he was taking us and we're like what the heck is going on?

And because you had traveled and modeled throughout your teens and 20s, and I don’t know maybe even beyond that, but you had lived in Milan. So, you were like, this is the picture of a lifetime and we are absolutely going and I'm going to get you guys a picture that you absolutely have to take. Do you remember that night?

Jessica Conness: Oh yes, very vividly.

Arwen Becker: And you know what? It is absolutely true. That picture and that night, as you had said, would be one of the best memories captured on film of my life. And there's no question about it. I think the part that really makes me laugh, it was this beautiful photo. So, we were in front of the Duomo, right?

Jessica Conness: Yeah, the Duomo.

Arwen Becker: Duomo, the cathedral. Oh, my gosh, it's so amazing. But the fact that it was 3:30 in the morning, there were almost no people out there, but the lights on the cathedral, and oh, it was just stunning. And so, my husband and I are locked in an embrace. And we're doing the classic cliche, my leg is lifted up and kicked out from behind me and I'm in this dress. And you're seeing our shadows in front of this beautiful cathedral. And then, my husband starts to lose his balance.

And Jessica keeps snapping photos as you see him tilt back. And here I am in my heels and I'm trying to hold him up and all the sudden now, the weight shifts back over him and the two of us end up plowing into the concrete. And the whole thing is captured in still photos. It is so hilarious. Got to be one of the best nights of my life. That was so funny. So, thank you very much for doing that.

Jessica Conness: Oh, that was amazing.

Arwen Becker: Because you lived there for how long?

Jessica Conness: Well, I would go there for three weeks, then I would come home, and then I would go back. And it just depended on what season we were in and where else I needed to travel. But the summers, I would spend the whole summers there. And then it was Fashion Week, I would go and then, times in between for just photoshoots and showroom stuff.

Arwen Becker: And how long was your modeling career? How old were you when you started?

Jessica Conness: Well, I started when I was young. So, I would say probably 6 or 7. And then it just continued from there. And then when Miami, just the whole, it shifted to very Latin. And so, the market wasn't there for me anymore and I had to figure it out. So then, my agent was like, well, let's try Italy. And coincidentally, I had met an Italian man that lived in Milan too. So, his family was very gracious to let me stay at their home instead of a little tiny modeling apartment and stuff. And I just learned and loved Italy so much. I mean, it's magical. It's beautiful. I had some amazing memories there.

Arwen Becker: It is magical. There's no question about it. We weren't even there for that long and I am amazed at how many wonderful memories we have.

So, we have this overcomer playlist that I'm continuing to build out.

I think of it this way is that in all seasons of life, there are things, there are challenges that we're going through. And sometimes it's something where we're stepping out into something new. And we just need something that pumps us up and makes us just feel awesome and feel like we can go handle whatever is going to be coming on.

Or there are those times where we just need to weep and cry. And we're mourning the loss of something that we expected it to be what it was and it didn't end up turning out that way or whatever it might be. But we're always in some form of overcoming some challenge in our lives. And so, I have this list that has continued to grow out.

So, you said that you had a song for us. What song is that?

Jessica Conness: Phillip Phillips and it's Tell Me a Story.

Arwen Becker: I don't even know if I've heard that one. What's the kind of vibe of it?

Jessica Conness: Just pretty chill, but I just love his words in it because it says, tell me a story long and true beyond what we are, beyond what we do and then it's like pieces of a puzzle. And it's just, I don't know, I just love it. And when it first came out, I would cry when I listened to it, and it's just, I don't know, I just think he's an amazing singer. And I just love the song. You have to listen to it.

Arwen Becker: It's going on my list. I love it. I love it. So, I kind of started out with such a fun memory. But here we are, in October, and being National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I know that that is something that has hit too close to home for you. So, maybe you can just start by taking us back there.

Jessica Conness: Okay, so it was 20 years ago, and I was in this abusive relationship, which I never was in an abusive relationship before, but I was young. I had my daughter when I was 23, and we were in a relationship for five years. So, it was really like one of my first serious relationships.

So, for five years, I'm with him and his family, his mom was just an amazing person. And I loved his sisters and his brother. And I went through this relationship, and I thought… we would go to his dad's house, and it was Christmas, and I'll never forget there was this one time where we came home.

And we had wine, and we were living together, and we got home and out of nowhere, he snapped on me. And I was so scared. And then, he got arrested because the neighbors had called the cops and then his mom plead for me to drop the charges, so I did. And then, I'm going through this awful relationship with him because when times were good, they were good, but with domestic violence, it's a cycle.

So, you go through the part where they have their way with you and then there are, they call it the honeymoon stage and so, then everything's like better again. But what happened was, during this time, I was changing from one pill to another and I became pregnant with my oldest daughter, Kirra.

And three months into my pregnancy, his mom was like, you guys have to get married. And so, I thought, in my head, that every step, I would assume that if I was pregnant, he wasn't going to do those things to me, but that was not true. And then, I thought, Okay, well, if we get married, then you're solidifying, like you're together as one. At least that's what I thought. And then, that wasn't the case because we got married and it still continued.

And then, our year anniversary, so I had the baby in March, our anniversary was in September, I think it was September. And the landlord kept coming to the house and telling me that we did not pay rent and it was three months behind and here I have this newborn baby.

Arwen Becker: Was that a surprise to you? Did you think that rent was being paid?

Jessica Conness: I mean, I thought, but I didn't know because I was home with the baby and I couldn't do my modeling because he was very controlling of that. He did not want me working. Basically, he just wanted to control my every move.

Arwen Becker: So, was the abuse physical and verbal? Was it a lot of yelling and that kind of stuff too?

Jessica Conness: Everything. I had both. I had the verbal and the abusive, so that will break you down to nothing. Just nothing.

Arwen Becker: And it didn’t happen while you were pregnant too? I mean, did it…

Jessica Conness: Oh, yeah. Yeah, he threw me down steps.

Arwen Becker: Oh my God.

Jessica Conness: And I had a belly and everything. It was very scary. So, when I approached him about the rent being behind three months and knowing that we could potentially get kicked out of our home, he lost it on me. So, he picked me up and he threw me on the dining room table which shattered into pieces.

The baby was in the bedroom. So, I grabbed the phone, I threw it on the ground, I called 911, and I ran into a room and then I closed the door. And the windows were these jalousie windows, so you can't get through them. And I almost took her rocking chair and threw it through the window just to get us out of there because he was banging it down.

So, then I took the dresser and I pushed it in front of the door. And then I heard the cops come in and I had her in my arms and I was shaking and I was just trying to sing to her because he was saying the worst things ever imaginable. And they came and they arrested him. Now, this is probably like the fifth or sixth time he had been arrested.

Arwen Becker: For this specific thing?

Jessica Conness: Oh, yeah, just with me.

Arwen Becker: Just with you, geez.

Jessica Conness: Just with me. So, then the next time, well, no, the next day, I'm sorry, DCF came, so child services. And they want you to relay the story and tell them everything. So, I'm just talking with this woman and in all confidence, I was just telling her and she said, “Honey, if this happens again, we're going to take your baby.”

And my heart, Oh, I was like, I can't do this anymore. So, I changed all the locks. I quickly came up with the money. I had no help. I got a nanny. I went right back to working and the agency knew what I've been through, so they fronted me because they knew that I was with them for a long time, which I thought was super sweet. And they got me back on my feet. And I just started, I was so skinny, I think I was 95 pounds wet. And I was so stressed out.

And he kept trying to break into the house and stuff. And we would try to exchange the baby, but then he would start fights with me, so I'd have to call the cops again. And then his parents would have to pick up the baby and then he just kind of got on a boat in Miami, he worked on boats, and he just started traveling.

But he was the whole guilt thing. It's you broke up our family, you ruined our marriage, how could you do this to us. And I was, well, you did it to yourself, and you're the one that caused the problem. And I can't live knowing that my baby could possibly be taken away from me. And I don't want to be treated like this anymore. I know that my worth is more than this.

So, it was very hard. And every day, I would have to say to myself, “You can do this.” I would say I was like a crazy person. I would walk through my house and I would give myself pep talks, talking to myself because I just felt I was just going to shrivel up in a ball.

Then, I went to counseling and no, just take it back a couple steps. I think, right when I got pregnant with my daughter, I went to Women in Distress, and that's a very depressing place to be because I felt like I was too good to be there. And I hate even saying that. But what the reality was, is that there were women that had children and had to move and change their names, so like, say they lived in Missouri. And they got so beat up that they had to remove themselves from where they lived, pull their children from their school, change their name, and move into Women in Distress in Florida, so that they could start their lives again.

Arwen Becker: God. To leave their entire support network if they had one behind and have to start over from less than zero.

Jessica Conness: Could you imagine?

Arwen Becker: No.

Jessica Conness: And so, I'm sitting there and I'm like, I don't belong here. He just beat me up. He kicked my ass. I'm stronger than this, I can do this. And then because I was pregnant, so I was with him and he didn't know that I was going to these meetings and the lady looked at me and she said you have to leave him. And I said I can't. And she said, “Jessica, this isn't going to get better. It's going to progressively get worse and if you live at the end of this, it will be a miracle.”

Arwen Becker: You still stayed for months after that?

Jessica Conness: So, I had the baby and then right at our year wedding anniversary is right before this all happened when he threw me on the table. And then I was just done.

Arwen Becker: Wow.

Jessica Conness: And I think when my daughter was like 2 or 3, I went to the Bahamas because he was begging me to get back with him. And I spent a weekend. And it was just horrible. And I just never looked back after that. I just never looked back. And he stopped communication. He never paid child support. My daughter doesn't have a relationship with him now.

Arwen Becker: And so, the very much silver lining I know at the end of that for your daughter, you've got four kids, but with your oldest that you had with him is it wasn't too long ago that Grant, your current husband you had been married to for over 15 years, adopted her. Correct?

Jessica Conness: They're in the process right now.

Arwen Becker: In the process. She asked him, that was what she'd asked him, right? Yeah, I saw that video, I totally cried. It was just like, I cried and I screamed because knowing what it's like adopting an older child because my oldest who's almost 24, but adopting him at 16. And having a kid, actually a kid, more of a grown young adult look at you and say, “Will you adopt me?”

And so, seeing that happen between her and Grant was just so magical and such a beautiful end to such a terrible start. I have to imagine, you go back because the two of you, your former, were together for you said five years. Was this five years?

Jessica Conness: Yep.

Arwen Becker: So how early on do you think you can recall in that relationship that you knew something was wrong?

Jessica Conness: Six months.

Arwen Becker: Very short period of time.

Jessica Conness: Yep.

Arwen Becker: And why do you think at that time, you didn't listen to those red flags?

Jessica Conness: Because I just, like I said, I felt every step that we took, because he would also make me believe, too, that he was going to change and that he loved me, when it was that honeymoon stage and he would do everything to make me happy. And it was just so confusing and conflicting because he was such a lover, but when he was evil, it was horrible. So, he just kept dragging me back in and making me believe.

And then I thought after the first time he got arrested that like, wow, that's huge. How could you want to go back to doing that again to me? I mean, I had these pants on that were stretching material. And I had burns on the back of my legs because he ripped my pants off of me. And the back of my legs had burns because of the material. That's how hard he was holding me.

Arwen Becker: Oh, my gosh.

Jessica Conness: And my face and everything. So I just thought like, I don't know, he kept reeling me back in. And then I had to kick him out of the house and his mom lived in the same apartment complex as me, so he would hide in the bushes and see me pull up and then he would jump out of the bushes and he would be like, you have to talk to me and I'm not allowed to, I have a restraining order. We can't have any contact. And then he would just cry and say these things to me and he would sucker me back in and then, it would be a whole ‘nother cycle again.

Arwen Becker: Right. Until the blow up came again.

Jessica Conness: And I would say it was every three to four weeks that it would blow up again. So, once a month, I was getting abused.

Arwen Becker: When you think back on that time period, do you think that there's anything that people could have said, I mean, that anybody else could have said or done to help you in that? Or was it just something you had to move through yourself?

Jessica Conness: I think that when you're in something like that, because of how they break you down with their words and they make you feel like you're worthless, that you're almost hiding yourself from people. I pulled away from so many people because I was almost embarrassed.

Arwen Becker: Sure. Yeah, I absolutely believe that. I mean, when we get to a point where we have no self-worth or very, very little self-worth, to have somebody that's so unhealthy and unhinged, they can still get into that place and make you believe for a moment that this is somehow okay for me because I'm at least getting moments of having somebody tell me, I'm beautiful and I'm so sorry and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me and all the recordings that come out of the mouth of somebody who is backtracking after abusing and physically harming somebody to such an extent and then, yet to be able to use their words to come back in and believe, well, I don't really have much of anything. So, I guess this is good enough. You know what I'm saying?

And I think that what I heard from what you said is the value of having a support network because like you said, you've kind of pulled away and withdrew because of your embarrassment and your shame and not wanting to bring people into that space, yet that's the space people needed to come into to help get you out of it.

And I think we all do that because we're afraid that we're the only one that somebody they can't relate or what will they think of me or the fact that I would allow somebody to talk to me that way. Or I must really be trash because he's told me I'm trash, so I really must be a horrible person to be treated this way. I must somehow deserve it. You know what I'm saying?

Jessica Conness: Yeah, and that's exactly what it was. And it was just you go into a hole. It was a very lonely place to be.

Arwen Becker: There were probably people in your life that didn't really know that that was going on? I mean, were you pretty good at hiding it? Or were you just detached from a lot of people in your life at that point?

Jessica Conness: I think I was detached, but I think I would have to hide myself in a lot of clothes because of the bruises and the scrapes and all of the things. And one time, I wore a sweater and it was 90 degrees out and my girlfriend's like, what are you doing? And then we had had a couple drinks together and I showed her and she just started crying like, what are you doing?

But I would say that was closer to the end of me coming around. I knew in my heart after I had the baby that that wasn't what I wanted her to grow into, so I think towards the end is when I really started to come out and start telling my girlfriends and, yeah. And his mom, she would really reach out to me and talk to me, and his sister knew what was going on and his other sister. So, it was really like they knew what was going on, so they were kind of the ones that I would talk to. But then, at the same time, I would only give so much information.

Arwen Becker: Well, I guess, if you were limiting information, I mean, did they think that you should have still been with him? I mean, did…

Jessica Connes: His mom was like, Listen, I think you are in love with the person that he's not, he's not and he will never be. And she's like, I love him, he's my son, but she would tell me, you can get past this and you need to move on.

Arwen Becker: So, when you think back in all those years, that five-year journey, I mean, what would you say would be a couple things that you look back and you go, that I learned that from that experience?

Jessica Conness: I think it made me more powerful because then I realized there was life after this and I think my daughter saved me, honestly. Having any child, it changes your life, right? But just knowing that that was the example I did not want for her. I didn't want her to think that was normal. I think that it breaks you down, then you go through counseling, and then you realize that that's not healthy, and then you rebuild yourself. And then you just become like a badass bitch. Yeah, because after I realized what I was worth and I knew that I wasn't the problem, I was such a bitch.

I literally was like, you're not worth it to me. I wouldn't date anybody. I was so cold, I wouldn't trust. Trust was a very hard thing after that. And then I think that's when I just came into my own. Then I realized, I want to be a happy person. I want to laugh daily. I want to find humor in weird stuff. I want to live life to the fullest. And I did it and I did it on my own. I got the nanny by myself. I had her full time. She was living with me. So, I had the freedom which was very weird after two.

And it was just all these things that over time, I just built myself back up and it was the most amazing feeling ever. Like when I met my husband, which we grew up together, but when we reconnected, I bought a three-bedroom house with the pool by myself. No one helped me. And when we got together and we wanted to move to California, I sold my house and I made money off of it. And I'm like, I did that by myself. No one helped me.

So, once you get to that level and you know your worth, everything's possible. Everything is possible. It sucked. It was the hardest thing in my life, but it was the most amazing thing. So, what did I learn out about it? I learned that I can do it. And I did it. And it felt really good.

Arwen Becker: Yeah. Oh, my goodness. There's a couple of things. One that I thought of is you talked about when you hit really very much rock bottom, you said, and then became this absolute cold bitch on the other side, so because you're just blocking people out, right? You know, I talk a lot about the pendulum of life. If we stay closed off and walled up and everything, yeah, we won't get hurt, but we also won't live this life that you're talking about, this one that's vibrant and full of joy and laughter and all those pieces that you have to. The pendulum has to swing one way and then it goes to the other.

And then, going through counseling, figuring out what was acceptable and normal behavior and what was not and what was healthy.

But then over time, as we realize, okay, what are healthy people and healthy relationships, and you can identify, just like you said, about six months in, you recognized there were things that weren't right about this relationship.

But yet, I have to imagine that that's very much a common part that people go through when you've gone through such abuse is kind of walling up for a while and then learning how to open up in a healthy way and and be able to be exposed to people who will care for you in that space appropriately. And that's certainly what you've found now.

Jessica Conness: A hundred percent, but do you know what I do remember is there was this one counselor that I went to, she was absolutely adorable. I had to drive 45 minutes to get to her, but she was married and she looked at me and she said, “In your next relationship, I want you to find a man that will let you dance on top of a table and look at you and laugh at you and help you down when you're done.”

And that stuck to me. Those were the most powerful, innocent, easy words to say to somebody that pushed to me to help me find that sweet soul that would let me do that. And you see Grant, he's so easy and mellow. And like you…

Arwen Becker: And I've seen him absolutely do that for you. I have seen you on top of a table and I have seen him and gracefully helped you down.

Jessica Conness: Yeah. I challenged him. I still do.

Arwen Becker: Who knew that she was going to paint exactly that perfect picture. Obviously, she knew who you were. I mean, that's one of the things that I've so admired about you. That's why I love being around you because you are such a person who is just, to me, what I see is somebody who is free to be who you are, and you don't apologize for it. And it might not be for everybody and you're okay with that.

And that's the beauty of it is we're not supposed to be like each other.

That it's drawing people towards you, that challenge your way of thinking, that challenge your way of doing things, that bring you to a place of letting go and that's what you do for me is, when I see you live your life, I'm reminded I don't have to have it all packaged up. I don't have to have it all put together. I don't have to have it as much as your package looks absolutely freaking awesome. Let me tell you, your life and the way you bring it, but you don't apologize for it and I think that it's just such the beauty of who you are as an individual and what you provide to women around you, and you're going to draw in those women who need it.

And I love that about you. And I just am so glad that you are who you are and you bring that. Thank you.

Jessica Conness: Well, thank you. And thank you for those sweet words because that means a lot to me.

Arwen Becker: Thank you. You're welcome. So rapid fire, quick last three questions. Best piece of financial wisdom that you've been given?

Jessica Conness: Best financial advice. I think it's just enjoying life with what you have, not living above your means, and being as conservative as you can with some things.

Arwen Becker: Would you say to expand on that, you can look back at times in your life where you didn't have the means, of course, that you have now and recognize you still lived it up?

Jessica Conness: Yes, but well, I mean, when the recession hit for Grant and I have you want to tap on that one, we had three babies in diapers and $500 in our bank account. So that was a very scary time. But thankfully, we made it through and we did it with grace. And we ate a lot of pizzas but still had fun.

Arwen Becker: Yeah, I believe it. I absolutely believe it. So, what's a book that you would recommend and why?

Jessica Conness: You know, this is so sad. I don't read books.

Arwen Becker: Okay, so do you listen to podcasts? Or do you listen to anything specific?

Jessica Conness: I mean, I don't, and I literally, when I read, it's Instagram or anything that has to do with home decor. I'm just really focused on that. And I just love anything. So, for me, it's more like resourcing and looking at pictures and reading interior designers’ ideas. But for me to pick up a book and read, because I always feel like and especially now because the kids being home, like when I was pregnant, stuff I read about the pregnancies and then you read about the babies and stuff like that. And then you're just a whirlwind of running around all the time.

So, I wish I had more time to sit down and read a book, but I feel like with the kids being home from school, and then there's quick questions and then I have to run downstairs and help whoever, so I don't know. I want to read your book.

Arwen Becker: Hey, there you go. It's in the mail.

Jessica Conness: Very good.

Arwen Becker: And then what would you say is a favorite quote?

Jessica Conness: Without change, there is no growth.

Arwen Becker: Without change, there is no growth. Absolutely. Totally agree with that. So how can our listeners get ahold of you? What are some of the good ways to be able to connect with Jessica Conness?

Jessica Conness: I think the best way is Instagram and it's just Jess J-E-S-S, Conness C-O-N-N-E-S-S.

Arwen Becker: And then, the blog that you have is the blog most specifically on Instagram?

Jessica Conness: Yeah, you can link to it on there but honestly, I have not had enough time to continue to write on there and I think that people have enjoyed me more doing the stories on Instagram and doing it that way, so it's easier for me with the timing of everything.

Arwen Becker: Totally.

Jessica Conness: And it's just fun. I love when people ask me questions and stuff and it makes me laugh and it's easy and fun and light.

Arwen Becker: Yes, it is. I love your stuff. Honestly, I was just looking through it again yesterday and I found myself multiple times laughing out loud at the picture of you in the pillow dress with the pillow crown and some of those postings that you had of the Groundhog's Day repeat of early COVID and what that looks like every morning. It's so funny and I'm telling you any of you out there, go on to her Instagram, follow her. You are going to find yourself at multiple moments where you need something a little bit lighter than certainly the life that we're in right now.

But, Jessica, that's what you do. You provide the light. The light that you have, it's your God given light and you have embraced it. And certainly, after coming out of such deep, dark struggle to recognize how dark it can be and then really understanding how beautiful your light is, and then not apologize for standing brilliantly in it and sharing that. And so, I just thank you so much for your honesty, for your truth, and just for being a light in my world.

Jessica Conness: Thank you so much.

[END]